


never attempt to avoid turning justin hammer into a penis

by asynchrony



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Animal Transformation, Cannibalism, Crack, F/M, Food, Furry, Inanimate Object Porn, M/M, Mild Gore, Multi, Other, Sex Pollen, This is utterly ridiculous, but not really, it involves ipad/star-nosed mole pron, like i am not joking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-28
Updated: 2013-02-28
Packaged: 2017-12-03 21:38:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/702899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asynchrony/pseuds/asynchrony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you don't want to see a bat rimming a donut, don't read this.</p><p>[WTFfanfiction on Tumblr had a competition for the most implausible sex scene. This involves sex pollen, animal (and inanimate and intangible) avengers, and is spectacularly badly written. Be warned.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	never attempt to avoid turning justin hammer into a penis

so the avengers were on a space probe thing to outer space because they wanted to fight the rest of the chitauri who were angry far away from earth to save the planet. and tony built a really fancy rocket because he’s a genius.

and then when they were halfway there justin hammer popped up and said “SURPRISE” and they all screamed because omg how did he get there but then loki tried to defend the avengers because he secretly loves tony and he cast a spell to turn hammer into an animal but justin had a secret weapon and it reflected the spell onto all the avengers and loki

so it turned them all into different things because it was only designed for hammer and these were the animals:  
coulson was a snapping turtle (obtw he’s alive yeah magic loki did that too)  
steve- star-nosed mole  
tasha became a black widow spider  
thor’s a bat, like, not batman, like, an actual bat  
loki is a axolotl (cuuuute ^_^)  
bruce became a donut with green sprinkles and chocolate glaze  
and tony is an ipad  
and clint was sadness. like the actual idea sadness. he was not very happy about this.

and anyway justin hammer wasn’t done yet, he laughed and said “well I originally meant to give you guys this so I guess I will anyway” and he sprinkled sex pollen on all of them and then disappeared with his special technology he stole from vanko.

and thor was flapping around trying to attack hammer and then he flopped to the floor and went “I FEEL STRANGE” and bruce’s glaze glistened, his sprinkles trembling and then thor landed on bruce and started licking him and donut bruce started moaning and it was really weird but also kinda hot and bruce was like “oh yes lick my hole, it’s so good” and so thor did 

so steve was just watching them twitching his nose and then he got super damp and he was really sad because i think moles are blind so he couldn’t see tony cause he secretly liked tony and wanted to have sex with him and this would be a good excuse so he asked  
steve: um anybody there?  
coulson: yes, although I’d rather not be  
steve: oh good can you tell me where tony is? and um what he is I guess I dunno what i am either coz i can’t see  
coulson: you’re a mole i guess that would make sense with the not seeing and anyway um which one is tony?? not like i can tell  
steve: tony where are you????

and tony makes this like whatever the apple startup sound is (I’m too poor to own one OKAY DEAL WITH IT) and he turns on siri and uses it to be all like STEVE I’M HERE and steve is like WTF TONY WHAT ARE YOU EVEN YOU’RE NOT AN ANIMAL?? and tony is like NO I’M AN IPAD LIKE WHY DID I HAVE TO BE FUCKING APPLE and steve is like oh poor bby don’t worry ill take care of you and coulson is like wtf oh god my eyes

and then steve follows the sound of tonys voice and goes over and tentatively pats him and tony beeps and says oh god that’s good do it again so steve does and he’s just like stroking the super sensitive capacitive retina display screen thing and tony’s vibrating under him literally and going oh god oh god oh god and steve is getting turned on by the vibrating so hes humping tony

and this is all well and good for steve but tony makes an irritated noise after a while like some mosquito teenager only sound or soemthing that also really annoys star nosed moles and he said hey steve this is good but you need to move and do something different, im not pressure-sensitive because i’m goddamn apple and steve is lik omg im sorry i neglected the dame’s pleasure and tony’s like I’M NOT A DAME but anyway you need to push my home button thing while you move on top of me and so steve does and tony is all like OH GOD YES THATS IT and vibrates even harder and it makes steve spurt mole cum all over his screen and this makes tony come instantly cause steves cum totally shorts out his circuits its so hot

and loki raises his axolotl eyebrow and was all well that was cute but it didn’t last very long and he’s gotten horny too so he turns to coulson and is all ‘so now you’ve seen a blind mole molest an ipad would you like to fuck me pls” and coulson being a snapping turtle snapped his arm off

but that’s okay cause axolotls regenerate their bodies when stuff is cut off! and so loki’s arm grew back and coulson says “actually that’s kinda hot” and they start having some kind of super kinky d/s sex thing (oh tw: gore btw oops) and nobody can tell what is going on except they end up like buried in a pile of loki limbs eventually

and tasha looked at the amorphous blob of emotion that was clint and went hell no and clint was like yeah ok dunno how that would work and im too miserable to enjoy it anyway and tasha said no probs i’ll go join the bruce/thor lovefest and so she did and she crawled all over bruce with her eight little feet in strategic parts of his icing and bruce was already half melted by this point so she also sucked thor off as best a spider can do to a bat

anyway eventually there was this pile of sweaty sticky avengers and then tony was all like hey loki wtf was in that spell of yours like why did it turn us into what we are now

and loki doesnt answer cause he had to regenerate a few more limbs back but once he did that he said “i dunno i made it to turn people into an object that was unlike them coz hammer is a dick and i didn’t want disembodied penises around the place yo” and tony was like oMFG YEY IM NOT LIKE AN IPAD and bruce squelched stickily from the floor and thor was like but i can fly but oh yeah i’m not dark and angsty lol and then coulson was like and i dont snap omfg

and then everyone looked at natasha and was like wait what happened there and she was like i always hated my codename so whateva and clint was like i’m happy???????

and then steve was like well i guess i better tell you my secret cause otherwise youll all figure it out somehow anyway and tony was like steeeeve tell me and loki was jealous and all ‘tony no i want you bby’ but anyway steve is all “i’m evil”

“what” everyone says

“no seriously see they turned me into a thing with a star on its face like super patriotic well i’m secretly super not ahahahahhahah now i’ma kill you all”

and then natasha ate him

and everyone was like “what”

and she was like “what? I”m still a black widow spider and we get hungry after sex”

THE END

* * *

Some adorable fanart by someone who read xiutang's Chinese translation:

[](http://imgur.com/WdlCbsv)


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